Anyway, I went home and checked the message and low and behold it was from one my college friends. This was completely unexpected since I don't usually get calls from people outside of my immediate family. As such, I called her back and she said she was in the car on I-29 northbound between Fargo and Grand Forks, North Dakota. I immediately asked her what she was doing in such a lost corner of the world and she said that she was on her way to visit some friends at the University of North Dakota. She didn't realize that the drive from Cedar Rapids, Iowa to Grand Forks was 615 miles and wanted to catch up with old friends via phone. From this, a great conversation came about that lasted over 35 minutes. We had a bit of catching up to do since we hadn't talked in nearly 4 or 5 months. The conversation covered many miles and ranged in topic from future plans to past friends and such. Interestingly, she also said that she had missed me and wished that I called her once in a while.
Admittedly, I am very shy about initiating contact with people and regret that I have let it go as long as I did. Maybe I should try to call her a little more often and not wait for her to feel the need to call me a couple of times a year. We were friends during our undergrad days here at Plymouth, and even "quasi" dated a couple of times. Our history began on my first day classes at Plymouth State back in 2004 when I showed up for a meeting with my assigned academic advisor. Since our last names were right next to each other alphabetically, she was waiting to meet with him when I showed up. It took me a while to cough up some words, but I managed to introduce myself and strike up a conversation in the few minutes that we had to kill. We were in a number of classes together and studied for tests a few times through the years. Despite our differences it appears that we have a lot in common. Even though I never did hang out with her much, our relationship seems to be a rather deeply rooted friendship that I hope will continue to grow. However, given that a considerable distance separates us, this may be a formidable challenge.
Hearing from an old friend that I've liked throughout the past several years made me really excited. So excited, in fact, that I couldn't sit still for a while and had trouble getting to sleep that night. You could say that I'm still exhilarated by the experience. The one upside to not having many friends is that you appreciate those you do have more. Now I just need to put in more effort to keep in touch and maybe call her every couple of weeks or so. She said she'd be back in New England around the Holidays next month, so maybe we can meet up somewhere if our schedules permit.
Two of my three reference letters have gone out, which is good. I was nervous whether they'd write them in the first place. I hope they wrote positive things about me. My lack of self confidence is a problem, and one that people who know me well notice. I think that this issue is at the root of many of my life's problems. If I am to succeed, I need to overcome it as much as possible. However, I don't need to dive into that whole thing again. Anyway time for sleep, turkey, and relaxation regardless of whether or not I need the break...
Anyway, I had a great visit, but many of the professors there are extremely "heady" and think at an exceedingly high level. I'm glad I went since it really gave me a feeling for the place, which is something that a website cannot do. The campus is on a hill perched above Narragansett Bay with stunning views of the area. It is a quiet and somewhat rural area about 25 miles south of Providence, which very much appeals to me.
Thing is, I'm a meteorologist and not an oceanographer. Enrolling in such a program, should I get admitted, would require taking a lot of courses in a new subject and playing "catch up". Furthermore, the research in hurricane modeling is extremely theoretical, which is not really in line with my academic upbringing. As such, I get this unsure feeling about things academically since I get the sense that it may be a little over my head intellectually, despite my interest in the subject. Plymouth State is a very forecasting and observations based program. We do some theory, but we don't get into it much and it just supplements the forecasting and observation stuff. Plus, my M.S. thesis primarily entails using a large dataset of observations to develop some new forecasting techniques via a statistical analysis. It uses very little theory. In science, there are two types of people: the theorists and the observationalists. They often do not get along since they often disagree with each other. Science is so complex that many times the observations don't match the theory. I would classify myself as more of an observationalist. Sometimes the theory stuff just doesn't make sense to me, especially when there's little fact to back it up. Theory can also be very meaty stuff conceptually, so much so that I may not be smart enough to grasp it. I also am not sure that Plymouth prepared me well for this type of place, especially since the math department here sucks and really doesn't teach the math as well as it should. I really only had one professor of math who actually really "taught" it.
If I'm going to succeed somewhere, I need to have confidence in myself. In other words, I need to know that I can do it. If I get an unsure feeling about any aspect of anything, then I need to take that as a red flag. I did get a little of that feeling today. Maybe this place is too good for me.
As always, the specifics have me a bit anxious. Again, I'm a bit nervous about the living situation. The housing is provided free of charge as part of the deal. The good part about this is obvious: it's free. The downside is that I don't get to chose where I'm going to live, which means I'm going to have to take what I get. From what I was told in the offer e-mail, I will be living in some sort of campus house (a house, not a dorm) that has a kitchen and lounge area. I don't know if this means an apartment within a house, or sharing a house with several other people I don't know. The latter scenario is a lot more challenging than the challenge I faced in Florida this past summer because it will be several people I don't know as opposed to just one person I do know. In addition, we each had our own bedroom and bathroom this past summer, which meant that I could have total privacy at night when I wanted it. I'm not sure if that will be the case this time around, but it may very well not be. Communal living is not something I have much experience with, and my memories of the college dorms were mostly very negative. I just hope I don't end up in an animal house with a bunch of college students who want to party all summer. The other good thing is that Geneva, NY is about 3 hours from home, so I could go home if I wanted to on weekends. Still, that's not something I want to have to do because I want to enjoy the Finger Lakes region. Nor do I want to make that drive each weekend.
I always get nervous about the prospect of moving to a new place, even if only for a summer. Is there a good gym for me to work out at? Is there a good grocery store where I can buy food? Geneva seems a bit rural, so I hope it has what I need to live happily and productively. I don't want to live in a town that only has a Super Walmart and nothing else. In my acceptance e-mail I did ask some questions about the housing and the town. I just hope I didn't turn the professor off because some of them were a little specific. However, he does seem like one of the friendliest professors I've ever interacted with, so hopefully he won't be taken aback by a few questions. He's a young guy who got a Ph.D from University of Illinois a few years ago in lake-effect research and the research project I will be working on entails studying the effect of a stable boundary layer over Lake Michigan on existing thunderstorms that move in from Wisconsin. I am also expected to write an article for a peer reviewed academic journal in meteorology as part of the research, which is an outstanding credential should the article get approved. In some respects, this research is similar to my Master's research. I just hope that some of the predictor variables have at least some correlation to the response variable. It sucks having to write a Master's thesis that pretty much proves a bunch of nothing. I'm getting a little tired of it, and trying to make some sense out of a bunch of nothing is not a simple task!
In addition, I was able to get some good advice from this fellow too. He emphasized the importance of the people at a Ph.D. program over the prestige of the program itself. He encouraged me to look at websites and contact people whose interests are similar to mine. I have made a couple of contacts. One wrote back in an e-mail, another wants to do a phone interview, and the third encouraged me to visit the department. Fortunately, the one who recommended a visit is within driving distance (Rhode Island). I wrote back saying I'd like to schedule a visit so hopefully I'll hear something by Monday or so. I have yet to find a good time for a phone interview because phone interviews are a bit of a challenge for me. It has to be a time where I can be at home and not in the office since it will be quieter from home. I also have to be careful not to create a conflict with either a class, meeting, or trip to Rhode Island should that happen.
As of now, I'm submitting applications to three places: University of Utah, University if Illinois-Urbana/Champaign, and University of Rhode Island. I don't have a clear first choice since they all seem like good possibilities. URI is closest to home, but the others are a little more meteorology focused. URI has a group that does some hurricane modeling, which is why I am interested. Utah was recommended to me by my advisor and has a group doing mountain meteorology, including one that is examining the hydrology of lake-effect snow in the Wasatch Mountains off of the Great Salt Lake. Illinois seems like a decent possibility too since they have a group doing a lot of winter storm related stuff. I'm a bit apprehensive about the prospect of a long move with two of these options, but I'll worry about that later, not now.
I was interested in University of Oklahoma, but heard that they have a bit of an "attitude" there from some people. Further, I have a former classmate and colleague who is working on an M.S. there and his research has pretty much nothing to with weather. It's really a bunch of a abstract radar theory and statistics. Even though he's with the OU School of Meteorology, it really doesn't seem like he's doing much in the way of research that's related to meteorology per his blog. Perhaps they should rename it the School of Doppler Radar.
Anyway, here I am rambling again. There's lots on my head; so much that I sometimes lose sleep at night pondering it all. That's all for now.
In addition, I have always been trying to prove my intelligence to myself in more ways than one, and unfortunately have not been able to do so up to this point. As such, I often question it and wonder why people always think I'm so bright. Question becomes: how do I prove my intelligence to myself? IQ tests yield different results, and in some cases I struggle with them, especially tests that enforce strict time limits and use abstract language. I always did best at the pictorial pattern recognition ones, in some cases scoring in the 150s. I've always done well in school, but have commonly failed to take the top slot in my class. Grades don't seem to be good measure of actual intelligence though since some people are really smart and do poorly for whatever reason. Meanwhile others who aren't exceptionally smart do really well by working their tails off.
Generally speaking, I consider myself to have always been rather bored in school. Problem is, I'm used to having things easy, and when things aren't easy for once, I tend to panic and question my intelligence. I've always liked getting an A, and this has fed my ego over the years. When someone tries to puncture it, I tend to get upset and walk away. This may be an explanation for some of my past failures. I remember being pushed to the limit at Penn State and buckling under the pressure. Perhaps this is partly why some of the "smart" people fail out of grad school, and those who are used to struggling succeed. In sum, another day, another view of my past experiences. Why is it that I always see things differently from one day to the next?
Admittedly, I'm very comfortable where I am now. I am a big fish in a small pond, and I like having peers and superiors respect me for who I am. However, I have come to the realization that if I'm to get where I want to go, I'm going to need to relinquish some of this ego and step out of my comfort zone. In addition, I need to be prepared for a challenge and some real stress. Can I pull this off? That is the million dollar question for the day.
Second, I discovered today that I may have to room with 2 and possibly 3 other people for a week down in Atlanta for a conference in January. Originally, I was under the assumption that I would be rooming with 1 other person in a room with 2 double beds. This may not seem like a big deal to the average person, but to me, it is. Due to my inherent need for privacy and space, rooming with 1 other person poses a considerable challenge, but 2 or 3 just seems like an insurmountable ordeal. I was willing to room with 1 other person, but this now poses a dilemma with no obvious solution. However, I really need to go to this conference because I'm supposed to present a poster and a paper on my research there, and it may be a good networking opportunity to find out about possible doctoral programs and/or jobs. In addition, the airfare has been paid for and so is the hotel room through some grant money obtained by my thesis advisor. Given the level of importance of this conference, it is crucial that I be as comfortable and well rested as possible. What do I do?
The easiest solution would be for me to get my own room, but this is unrealistically expensive. A week at a Holiday Inn in downtown Atlanta (the hotel the original room is in) for a major conference is going to cost close to $1200.The other possibility is that I could ask my cousin if I could stay at his place down there. Problem is, he's 35 miles from downtown Atlanta, and I don't know if he'd be willing to let me bunk there for a week, even if he has the space. We were best buddies growing up, but I really haven't done a good job a keeping in touch with relatives over the years since then. Plus, commuting 35 miles in and out of Atlanta for a week would require renting a car and paying at least $25 or $30 a day for parking. Besides, the traffic down there is horrendous from what I've heard, making 35 miles really far. This would also isolate me from the conference and my fellow grad students, so this doesn't seem like a good idea either. I really hate how common, trivial types of things that mean nothing to most really get me bent out of shape emotionally.
This whole Atlanta hotel room deal leads me into what I consider to be a larger problem in my life. I would like to spend the $1200 and get my own room, but it would not be own money; it would be my dad's. I hate not being financially independent, but being so would require that I live in an environment that is not conducive to my success. See the dilemma here? Grad students make very little money, and generally cannot live a lifestyle that would be favorable to my success. My peers live in noisy apartment buildings where there are parties going on every night and share the apartment with others. There is just no way I can function in that type of environment. I did it when I lived in the dorms back at Bowdoin (the reader is hereby referred to some of my archived entries if he/she chooses to find out more about past tribulations in my life), and I was absolutely miserable to the point where I was driving 260 miles each way to go home every weekend and considered suicide.
I need to live in a small house in the woods on a lake to feel comfortable, and I need to be comfortable to be successful. I just don't like the fact that this lifestyle requires living on someone else's dime. I'm lucky that I do have parents that are supportive financially because without it, I probably would've never finished college or gotten the education that I did. After all, I come from a privileged background; I was raised in one of America's wealthiest towns and received an outstanding education from a stellar private college prep school. Who knows where I would be if it weren't for this. The issue is that I feel guilty about my upbringing and current lifestyle. I want to be self sufficient and not have to keep asking someone for checks. Without this lifeline, however, I know I'm destined to fail. This is why I'm a failure and I've never really achieved anything worthy of granting me the title of a successful person or an achiever. Success in this country is defined as rising from the dust to create terrific corporations, come up with groundbreaking discoveries, and do something that greatly benefits our society. People who are successful come from backgrounds of significant adversity to do fantastic things; people without parents giving them money or constant pats on the back.
To make matters worse, my career virtually requires that I remain in school for several more years to get a Ph.D., meaning, well, more of the same. In addition, I'm not sure my parents are willing to keep funding me. I get the sense that they're beginning to get tired of it, and want me to be financially independent. After all, I have an older sibling who's been financially independent since the age of 22, and here I am coming up on 28 in a few months. She probably feels that I should be too, and may very well be internally mad at my parents for still giving me checks, a $2000 computer, and giving me a $45000 land yacht to drive around everywhere. There are times where I really want to drive the fucking thing off a cliff and drive a used Honda Civic like the rest of the world does. I've never brought this up with her, and am scared to do so out of fear that it may spark a heated argument and destroy familial relationships. It is a really unfair circumstance that favors me. Often times it is worse being in my position in this case since I'm the guilty party. Should I bring this up by perhaps letting her read this blog entry? I don't know, but it may be a more subtle and indirect way of communicating this issue compared to talking about it personally.
I want to do a Ph.D. program, but am not sure about many things; not just the monetary aspect of it. I am scared of moving to a place that is radically different than what I'm used to, and I don't want to be a distance from home where I either have to fly or drive a great distance. Airports and airplanes are total hell for me since I can't stand being packed in with other people like sardines for any length of time. I also get lonely easily, and not having a significant other makes moving far away especially scary. I have very few friends and don't make them easily. In fact, I really don't have any really close friends at all.
Anyway, I found a program in oceanography at the University of Rhode Island that looks appealing since they have a group there that does hurricane modeling. In addition, it's only 150 miles from home and is on Narragansett Bay. It really sounds a lot like Maine, but with a somewhat milder climate. I'm not sure if they have any research assistantships available or are willing to admit me. With any luck, they would pay me a bit more than I'm getting now should they have financial support available. Regardless, I won't exactly be making enough dough to live comfortably in an environment conducive to my success on my own dime. I don't need to be a millionaire or be they way I was when I grew up to be satisfied. Again, do I deserve this? Probably not...
If you see me as a well off, spoon fed prick who complains about everything known to mankind; good, you're smart and see what I really am. I am someone who simply doesn't deserve to be where I am and should be flipping burgers at the local burger joint or stuffing grocery bags. Because of where I'm from however, I'm not. I'm guilty for this, and anyone who is my situation and isn't damn well should be.
So much for this fucking conference in Atlanta or the Yankees...
I enjoy living here because it is in the middle of nowhere. A lakeside cottage in the woods of New Hampshire is a great place for anyone with Asperger's since it is quiet, predictable, and peaceful. I like the fact that there is no noise, traffic, or people around. Isolation enables my mind to relax and not be overstimulated by something unexpected. Despite my moderate to severe hearing loss, I have an extreme sensitivity to noise such as that created by a busy road or someone partying or playing loud music next door. I also don't like having neighbors that are always going in and out and having random people around. I tend to get horribly distracted and irritated by the randomness of many people. My space requirements are also considerably larger than the average person. Having a place where I can get away from chaos and people helps my emotional health tremendously. As such, I don't see myself living in an apartment or a city.
My success also depends on my emotional health. My mind can pretty much do anything when there is no pressure or unwanted stimulants present. Had I had an environment at Penn State like I do here, perhaps I would've succeeded at that endeavor. Problem is, I can't stay here much longer. I'll be done with my Master's degree during the spring semester (I hope to anyway), and I have no idea where to go next. Many jobs are in large cities, and I can't stand the thought of commuting in and out of large city either via crowded mass transit systems or sitting in traffic. I also don't want to live in some noisy apartment complex. I want to be somewhere I can live in a house inexpensively. What do you get in the New York City area for less than $1000 a month? A nice house: probably not. An apartment in a bullet holed crack house in the South Bronx: maybe. Then again, there are no jobs in my career field in places like I am now. As you can see, my living preferences and career goals are at odds with each other.
One of my fears right now is that I'll end up living at home like a bum for an indefinite amount of time once I'm through here. I don't want this to happen since I know I'll get bored and depressed. I would like to have something to go on to, but I just don't see that happening.
I do have a pronounced fear of the real world, and have done my best to avoid it at all costs. My parents have been supportive financially, which has helped me avoid it. Eventually, however, I'm going to need to carve out my niche in this vast and crazy world that whirls on around me. Again, I don't know what to do or where to go with my life right now. There aren't many jobs and I'm not sure that I'm really up to this relocating and doctoral program thing. I'm running out of rope...
I am also now certain I will not finish my thesis by December; there's just no way I can do it since I have a major project to do in my one class, have to write an extended abstract and a poster for the American Meteorological Society (AMS) Conference in January, and still have a lot of data analysis left to do on my thesis dataset. Anyway, at the recommendation of my advisor, I submitted an abstract to the AMS to do a poster presentation of my research at the AMS annual conference. It was accepted, which I'm excited about, but it means extra work since I have to write a paper and prep a poster. This should be good for my resume. Hopefully, an opportunity will arise at this conference too, since it will be a chance to mingle with prospective employers and Ph.D. programs.
It seems like all of the jobs ads in meteorology are for postdocs these days. Entry level forecasting jobs either don't exist or are not advertised. Invisible job markets are tough for people like myself who don't know others in the field, and have trouble with the subtle social interactions involved with networking. Then again, I don't really want to do forecasting, so maybe this is a good thing. Unlike the vast majority of meteorologists out there, I just don't find forecasting to be all that exciting. To me, there really isn't much excitement in looking at a computer generated forecast map unless it shows a major nor'easter with a quasi-stationary mesoscale snowband on top of me pumping out 5 to 6 inch per hour snowfall rates and 40 to 50 knot northerly winds. A major hurricane or a possible tornado outbreak heading my way would grab my attention too. The reality of forecasting is that 95% of the time you're just going to be sitting there casually looking at weather maps with your feet on the desk and a coffee in your hand. Maybe this isn't true, but that is my impression, anyway. Besides, I don't see myself working on a 24/7/365 schedule.
The thing I actually enjoy doing most is computer programming. It really gets my mind going, and I really feel a sense of reward in the work. Prior to doing meteorology, I was was not at all interested in computer programming; in fact, I was rather intimidated by it. Given that this field does require proficiency in computers and programming, I was forced to get into a bit, and was pleasantly surprised by how logical my mind is. Hell, I even crushed the one of the brightest students in the history of the meteorology program on the final in my FORTRAN class (here goes my competitive spirit again!). Like many people with Asperger's, my mind works in a highly Boolean manner and I can readily visualize large datasets, branching structures, and nested loops. I'm not sure I'd make a good software engineer since I don't know much about that type of thing or more high level languages like Java. Besides FORTRAN I know some shell scripting, Perl, and R, which is an object oriented language used for statistical programming. I hated Perl at first since its logic is fundamentally different than FORTRAN, but I got into it a bit more once I figured out the strength of the regular expressions. I really like R since it's great for model validation and various statistical procedures. Despite it being an archaic language, FORTRAN is a pro at reading in large datasets and performing huge numbers of calculations with mind numbing speed. I may use a Perl or shell script to format my dataset so FORTRAN can read it easily, or use them to build and run multiple FORTRAN executables. In fact, I now feel more excited about computer programming and data analysis than I do meteorology. It's interesting how one interest can lead to another. In addition, there may be more career opportunities in computer programming than there are meteorology. In some sense meteorology really is a dying field. The number of jobs is dwindling, and computers seem to be taking over the field.
Anyway, I'm not sure if I want to do a doctoral program. I'm just not sure I want to commit myself to several more years of school and meager money. I want to make some money so I can live comfortably and be financially independent. Then again, such a program may give me the skills and credentials to land a job where I can be happy. I've been mulling it over a lot lately, and I want to be in a smaller program that is not too competitive, not in a large, noisy city, and at a university where there is no crazy, drunk college football culture. A lot of these larger universities in the Midwest and South are football crazy, and I don't like that. This was one thing I absolutely hated about Penn State.
My previous entry on the online dating thing was really weird. I'm glad that's behind me. I didn't pursue either girl any further, and have decided to put this to rest for the moment. Long distance dating is not something I really want to do, and I'm worried about the instability in my life right now. I don't want to start dating someone and then have to move a long distance in several months. Maybe once I get settled somewhere, I will take it up again. At least I have proved one thing to myself: I can attract pretty young women, even if all they want to do is crush on me.
It started when I decided to make my Yahoo Personals profile searchable again after about a year long hiatus. I wound up getting a date with someone about a year ago through the site and met a girl from about an hour away from here. The date didn't result in a second one, and I was in a rather nasty funk about it. As such, I took the profile down. I didn't delete it, I just took it down and made it so no one could see it.
Anyway, I felt a sudden compulsion to try it again about a week ago. I used the exact same profile, but put a newer, better picture of me on it. Within 2 days I had a number of views, and two messages. One of the messages was from a girl in Michigan and the other from a girl in Alberta, Canada. Both would classify as attractive girls in my books, but there is a lot of distance between them and I. I am sort of surprised that two women from such distances away would contact me, but they seem to think that I must be their long lost prince or something. The second girl from Canada wrote me a long message to start off, and I was intrigued by it, so I responded. At first, it seemed legitimate, but her latest batch of e-mails almost seems like she's crushing on me to the point where she has no concept of the realities between us. There is a lot of distance involved, and we don't really know each other. Plus, she seems to think that I'm going to immediately pack my bags and move to Edmonton, Alberta and marry her, despite the fact this will most definitely not happen. I have career and family commitments, and I just can't do this. It's not that I don't want to do a long distance relationship, but this is a whole other matter entirely.
Thing is though, I do feel attracted to her, and I am a bit desperate for love myself. Having never experienced it, I feel compelled to pursue it as much as possible. I want love, romance, sex, and intimacy. I'm a needy person by nature, and have not found a way to make it happen. Too bad there is so much distance between us. If there wasn't, who knows? There's a strong chance I would at least lose my virginity, and perhaps a lot more...
I don't quite know what to do. I feel nervous about ending it because I'm just not that kind of guy. I'm too nice, and I do not like hurting or offending anyone, even if only slightly. In this case, it would probably be more than slightly. The thought of putting someone in severe emotional pain, makes me feel guilty and sad myself. I just didn't get the impression that this would happen after reading her initial contact. What should I do? Should I continue to pursue it, and see if something does happen? Should I not respond to her anymore? Should I try to explain to her that I don't think this is going to work unless she begins to get some sense of the realities between us? I'm having a hard time differentiating between love and lust here, and I don't want to give up a chance at love, even if it's remote.
Anyway, the other girl from Michigan wrote me a much briefer introductory message and doesn't seem to be crushing on me nearly as much. I wrote back, and she responded, but her follow-up message was rather brief and, rather disappointingly, didn't disclose any more information about herself than what her profile said. Additionally, I get the sense that she is somewhat pious and this makes me a little nervous. She seems to have a much better sense of the realities between us, but I'm not sure. Again, I get this impression that she thinks I'm some long lost prince from some stately castle who will come swoop her up on a beautiful white horse and marry her. As with the girl from Alberta, I do feel some attraction toward her. Both seem like very pretty women in their profile pictures.
I didn't yet respond to the girl from Michigan's follow-up because the whole e-mail flurry between myself and the other girl has been dominating my attention. Now, I'm not sure what to do. I feel a little more compelled to respond because I don't think she's crushing on me as much, but I don't know. It's hard to tell the difference between love and lust in a circumstance like this. My fear is that if I respond, the same thing may happen, but I don't know.
What did I get myself into? Love can definitely distort and cloud judgment, it seems. I don't want to inflict damage, but I may have to one way or another. The girl from Canada at least admitted that she has a weakness of falling in love too fast, and this may have just happened. Question is, what do I do next? I want love myself too...
I have a huge amount of work to do in order to finish by the end of December, and I have been rather lazy the past few weeks. I accomplished a lot in Florida, but I was working in an office environment for 8 hours a day 5 days a week. Working from home just doesn't work too well since I'm too distracted and otherwise unmotivated to do work. At least in Plymouth, I'll be back in an office where I can focus on my work a bit better.
Essentially, I need to finish my number crunching and data mining. My efforts have not yielded terrific results, but this is likely a function of the dataset more than it is my trying to get things to work. The big project is to write my thesis. I've only written the first chapter, which contains a lot of background information on the project. My advisor has been bugging me to write chapter 2 on my data and methodology, but the problem is that I am not done with a lot of my analysis and I'm reluctant to write about my methods when they're not complete. In addition, I have a lot of fun doing the scripting and the number crunching. Writing is boring compared to programming.
Being in surroundings more conducive to work and a new computer should get me back on my feet. By the way, I decided to go with a new 15 inch Macbook Pro. It was a lot more expensive than a PC, but hopefully worth the hefty pricetag. I've been a PC user all of my life; my first computer had Windows 95 on it, and converting to Mac will be an adjustment. I hope I made a wise choice. My new toy should arrive by Fedex sometime this week.
Also, I've been kind of bummed out lately that Florida is over. It was a great experience, and it sucks to be back in the grey, drippy, and dreary weather of New England. I kind of miss living with someone since I had someone to chat with and go out with now and then. I don't have that now, and I will be back to living alone a couple of days when I leave home behind.
Even though I didn't become best friends with my roommate, I'm hoping that maybe he and some of his friends will let me into their inner social circle a bit more now that he and I know each other better than we did prior to the summer. My Florida roommate is also in the same grad program as I am at Plymouth State. It can be tough to integrate yourself into a tightly knit social circle that's been around for several years, and even more difficult when you don't know some of the people inside of the group.
We'll see how things go this time around. I'm only taking one class since I have most of my coursework for the Master's degree finished. As such, things are going to be rather unstructured, requiring more self discipline than before. I need to force myself up in the morning to get to campus by 8:30 or so because otherwise I will sleep in and feel lazy for the rest of the day. There's truth behind Ben Franklin's old saying: "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise".
Reasons for a Mac:
1. Better for scripting, number crunching, and meteorology graphics operations.
2. Higher quality machine with a more efficient operating system.
3. Aesthetically much more attractive than your average, run of the mill PC.
4. I'm looking for a computer with long term reliability, and one that won't slow down with time.
5. I want one.
Reasons for a PC:
1. Much more affordable price.
2. I'm familiar with PCs since I've been using them for much of my life.
3. More than 90% of the world uses PC.
4. Some software may only be available for PC and not for Mac.
Reasons against a Mac:
1. At close to $2000, a new Macbook Pro is going to set me back a bit.
2. A bit of a learning curve required since I'm a lifelong PCer.
3. Compatibility issues.
Reasons against a PC:
1. Windows Vista just plain SUCKS! Plus, I'm not sure what Windows 7 is going to be like when it comes out in late October. My old laptop has XP, which isn't a bad operating system, but I don't want to be 2 operating systems behind when Windows 7 comes out.
2. Anti-virus and Anti-spyware. I hate having to make sure that it's up to date and scanning properly, not to mention paying for it. Plus, McAfee just eats my memory alive.
3. They tend to slow down with respect to time.
4. Other reasons I can't think of right now.
I'm leaning toward a Mac despite that it's going to take a big bite out of my wallet. I have to make a decision soon though.
As an example, I have a friend from school who proposed to his girlfriend this past weekend and posted pictures of the two of them kissing each other. Although he wasn't really intending to be a show off, the picture made me envy him and wish that I had a girlfriend (or in his case a fiancee). It makes it worse when the girl he proposed to is someone who I have a bit a crush on. She just seems like that type of girl I really wish I had: cute, friendly, understanding, and smart. I really feel like I should congratulate him on the proposal, but can't seem to stomach it since I have become somewhat depressed and jealous over the whole circumstance. In addition, I know I should be happy for them, but I'm not because it serves as a reminder to me what I really wish I had in my own life. I've achieved a lot of good things in my life, but love is not one of them. Unfortunately, love is the number one thing I want to get in my life. Sigh...
These panic attacks usually last anywhere from several hours to several weeks, and leave behind a path of destruction in their wake. In the case of time at Penn State, the panic attacked ebbed and was replaced by pure apathy. I just found that I didn't give a shit after I panicked, and didn't care. Yes, I somehow managed an A- in my Radiation Theory class, but it didn't feel like it was earned. After the conclusion of the semester, I looked at the syllabus to one of my spring semester classes, had another anxiety attack and decided to not return. This is the most recent occurrence of my fear of failure getting in the way of one of my dreams. There are many others, but thinking about them from this perspective seems to make to make sense since I was not actually failing in any of them. Some of my earlier entries seem to convey the idea that I was in fact failing at something. Upon rethinking many past events, it appears that it was my fear of failure that was the problem. It really is true that the fear of failure is worse than failure itself.
Maybe my entry on the playing the old numbers game from awhile back is really more about my fear of failure than it is about my mathematical ability. No, I may not be a mathematical genius, but I have done better than a lot of people. My fear seems to be most prevalent when it comes to complex math for whatever reason. Maybe it's because I don't see the solution right away sometimes, and this causes me to become highly emotional. I have an inherent need to know about how to do everything right away, and this is just not possible in life.
That said, I really cannot let my fears interrupt my endeavors again. That's why the battle lines are drawn between my dreams and the realities facing them. My career dream would be to go onto to a Ph.D. program in meteorology after finishing my Master's at Plymouth during my upcoming year. A Ph.D. program in meteorology is not going to be easy, and I need to not let my emotions get the better of me should I have the privilege to get a second chance at one. I really hope that my past mistakes don't come back to bite me in the rear, since meteorology is a small field and one's reputation circulates around readily.
As for where I want to go, I don't know. Since there really aren't too many such programs in this part of the country, the chance is quite high that I'm going to have to look outside of my own neighborhood. The National Weather Center at the University of Oklahoma sounds really cool, as does the prospect of seeing (and perhaps studying) tornadoes and extreme thunderstorms. I really like my current Master's research on Florida thunderstorms, and would love to extend some of my present research into the future. Two recent alumni of the Plymouth meteorology program are there; maybe I should contact one of them to see how they're doing there. Getting into such a program with full research funding is easier said than done, however. Besides, I've never been to Oklahoma or anywhere in that part of the country for that matter, and a move from New England to a place like Norman, Oklahoma would make me a little nervous should I get the opportunity to do so. I'm about 60-40 that I'm going to apply there, but need to find some people who are willing to write good recommendation letters on my behalf. I don't like asking favors of other people, especially since I am nervous about how they may view my misstep at Penn State a couple of years ago.
The other place that sort of intrigues me is University of Utah out in Salt Lake City. It seems like a really good program, albeit considerably smaller than Oklahoma. The smallness may be better from a personal attention viewpoint. It's also possible that Oklahoma may be highfalutin, and not the most user friendly. After all, there may be higher expectations in exchange for the superb reputation and working environment associated with Oklahoma. Again, I'm not sure about moving to a place like Salt Lake City either.
There's always that chance I may end up somewhere else, or in a job. The job market in meteorology is bad, and I don't think I want to do forecasting. My work experience this summer proved to me that I enjoy doing research since I like things that require attention to detail and computer programming. Forecasting just seems too fast paced and chaotic to me. Plus, I don't want to do something that would mess up my circadian sleep rhythm.
As you can see, I have lots of goals and I want to very much achieve them. The challenge is to not let my fear of failure get in the way as I have in the past. It is not easy to have the dreams win against many realities that may oppose them, but I've always rooted for the underdog.
Anyway, my experience in Florida was terrific, and not one that I will ever forget. I was exposed to a lot of new ideas, people, and places. I think one of the best things I took away from the experience is that I proved to myself that I can live with someone other than immediate family and be successful at it. As some of my earlier entries note, I was rather anxious about living with someone due to privacy and such. However, I found that I actually enjoyed living with someone since it provided a source of conversation and a person to do things with now and then like going out to eat and going to theme parks. We got along well, and became rather friendly toward each other. There were plenty of good talks on a plethora of subjects ranging from weather to future plans to friends. I really hope to have a chance to live with someone again, particularly someone who likes deep, intellectual talks and is a good listener.
The thing that made this experience a success was that I did have my own bedroom and bathroom, a place I could retreat to when I craved some quiet and privacy. Plus, he was not the type of person who invited random people over without my consent, which made living with him a good experience. It's good to have gained some confidence in this area since I had become afraid of living with others after bad experiences in the past, especially during my dorm days back at Bowdoin.
In addition, my roommate provided a means for me to meet other NASA interns since he would socialize with them. Although, I never became friends with any of them save for one who worked with us, it was good to have someone who would introduce me to people. Without this, I more than likely would not have met anyone this summer and would've been lonely living far from home for an extended period of time. Due to some of my challenges, I need someone who can act as an "interpreter" of sorts. I don't like using the word interpreter, but it's the best my mind can come up with on this muggy evening. Even though my roommate was sometimes a little reluctant, it was good to have someone who could help me a bit in social situations. I really need a partner who is willing to play this role, which is something not a lot of people are akin to doing.
Work in Florida consisted of making progress toward my Master's research, which deals with helping the 45th Weather Squadron, who provides forecasts for many launch related activities, forecast the occurrence of strong convective winds. The building we worked in, unfortunately, had a ridiculous amount of security due to the presence of classified operations inside other parts of the building. I guess the Feds want to keep some secrets from us and they do not trust good, law abiding citizens like us. Since we were interns, we were only giving visitor badges, meaning that we be escorted not only in and out of the building, but also around the building, including the restroom. I really hated this since I need to get up and walk around a lot. Each day sort of ticked by, but I got through each one and got a fair amount of work done in the process. I have tons more to do, especially because my thesis topic involves a rather large, messy, and complex dataset. I know I'm going to regret it later, but I'm pretty certain I'm going to take the next two weeks off to let my mind recharge before returning to Plymouth for one more semester. My advisor wants chapter 2 of my thesis before school starts, but he'll just have to wait a little. A reprieve now will probably go a long way later.
Some of my experiences this summer include a trip to Universal Studios and Disney World - Magic Kingdom. Disney was fun, but not all that it's cracked up to be. Universal was definitely better and worth the money. The highlight of the summer was probably seeing the Space Shuttle Endeavour launch from up close. I was located next to the press boxes, 3.5 miles from the launch pad, which is as close as anyone is allowed to be, save for the astronauts inside of the shuttle. The power of the launch was beyond the description of words. See the attached photo. All I can say is that it was over before I actually knew what occurred and the sound waves from it set off car alarms in the parking lot.
Other than these highlights and work, there was a lot of languid lazing on a pretty white sand beach with clear, warm water. Florida grew on me a bit, and I want to go back. Will my career bring me there? Wait...what to do with my career? That's a subject for later.
For now, this will be my last entry. Unless I either get a compelling reason to write here, or feel an urge at some point, this blog will now officially become idle. I won't delete it, since I may want to read some of my thoughts someday. Thank you to those who did actually read this.
I pretty much am doing programming all day, which is a good thing since it's what I enjoy most. The environs a bit difficult for reading and writing since I need a quieter place for that type of work. To be more specific, my programming is pretty much data mining. I need to write programs to rummage through 13 years of rawinsonde data (data obtained by launching a weather balloon), extract what I need from it, organize it, and categorize it by type in two different ways. I presently have about 500 or 600 lines of FORTRAN code and counting. In addition, I have a shell script that runs the FORTRAN programs and generates the text files. Once this is done, I will use a statistical software package to build a composite temperature, equivalent potential temperature, and dew point temperature sounding of days when there were no thunderstorms, days where there thunderstorms with winds under 35 knots, and days where there thunderstorms with winds in excess of 35 knots. It'll be interesting to see if the data yield anything conclusive. There's a lot of other work to be done, including writing my thesis, but I'll get to that later. The day gets long sometimes, particularly during the afternoon, but I need to remember my dad's favorite line: "The clock keeps ticking". Besides, who knows where this may lead me. Persistence is key.
Despite a few drawbacks at work, in general, my experience down here has been amazing. I got to see my first ever rocket launch this past Friday, and there is supposed to be another this Friday to get a new GOES satellite into orbit. Hopefully, the space shuttle will launch as planned on July 11th because those are supposed to be the most spectacular. No, it doesn't quite look the way it does on TV because of the distance involved, but it is a neat thing to see with your own eyes anyway.
Socially, things have been working out well with my roommate. We get along well and have even gone out to dinner a few times. We've also gotten together for dinner twice with a girl who works with us. She is also a NASA intern and is an undergrad at Harvard. She seems very enthusiastic and is having fun with our project despite her limited meteorology background. I was a bit worried that she might not get anything out of our work, but she seems to have adapted exceedingly well. She's become friends with the two of us, but then again, she seems like she's the type of person who makes friends with everybody. Friendship comes easy for a gregarious, smart, fashionable, blond girl from Harvard. I like her as a friend, but I'm not interested in dating her since she's a bit too outgoing and flamboyant for my taste. Further, we're only down here for a short time.
This weekend we're planning on going to Universal Studios in Orlando, which should be fun, and the weekend after that we may do Disney World: Magic Kingdom. I haven't been to these places since I was a little kid, so I'm excited. Fun, fun and more fun awaits. In this sense, I don't want the clock to keep ticking since my internship and opportunities for fun will be over before I know it.
After showing our badges to gain access to the CCAFS, the MOC was a short drive away. The building is surrounded by these weird lightning rod structures to protect the highly sensitive equipment inside from lightning, and is surrounded by an 8 foot high chain link fence topped with barbed wire. The entrance consists of these metal turnstiles next to a guard shack. The security around the building would suffice for a maximum security prison, which was definitely somewhat intimidating upon arriving. Due to our low security clearance and visitor status, an escort has to come out and get us so we can swipe our badges to get through the turnstiles and enter the building. Once through the turnstiles, the process has to be repeated into to get through the door. Finally, after all of this, we are inside the facility. My roommate, another NASA intern who is working with us, and our mentor were given a briefing that outlined the project that all us were to be working on. I already pretty much know what I am working on, but it was still useful to know to some of the specifics to the project. After the briefing, out day was essentially over since we didn't have our passwords in order to be able to access the NASA servers on our computers. As such, the 4 of us left work at about 1 PM. The rest of the afternoon was split between the gym, the beach, and the pool. What a way to spend the afternoon after work!
Thursday was our first full day of work, but after arriving, my roommate and I found out that our passwords had been disabled for some bizarre reason. Consequently, the two of us had to drive 15 to 20 minutes away to the NASA Headquarters building to the IT help desk to get our accounts activated and passwords reset. KSC and the CCAFS encompass an area that is probably the size of a good chunk of Rhode Island. Fortunately, our accounts were working when we logged onto the computers back at work. However, I was still not able to do much of anything since the data and scripts were on my own PC at home. I was able to upload a lot of my work to the meteorology server up at Plymouth and then download it onto my computer at work. Problem is, due to the security at work, we cannot bring in USB drives or external hard drives. Nor can we bring in things like cell phones. They are fanatical about security at this place, and it is a bit of a pain since we need to have an escort just to use the restroom. In addition, we cannot come and leave work as we please, which means that we'll be getting home at different times each day since this will be dependent on when someone can give us an escort out.
So far it has been an amazing experience, and there is a lot more to talk about, but my hands are wearing out. As such, it'll have to wait until later.
In terms of living with someone, so far it's not as difficult as I thought it would be. At least I have my own bedroom and bathroom, and therefore I can have privacy when I want it. It also helps that we've known each other for a while, even though we may not be the closest of friends. The apprehension over the living circumstance is now behind me, and that is a big relief. In fact, I've found that it's actually nice to have someone to socialize with on occasion. That's not to say that the experience so far hasn't been a challenge, it has, but it is a healthy one. I need to learn to be more flexible and not be a control freak. Gaining experience living with someone is a valuable tool that will hopefully serve me well a little later in life, especially when and if I get lucky enough to get a girlfriend.
Last night, my roommate asked me if I wanted to join him for dinner and a few drinks with he and a few of the other NASA interns who had networked on the 2009 NASA Interns Facebook group. I responded affirmatively, even though I wasn't sure if I would have the courage to overcome my shyness. I seeked advice from my parents and they both said that I should go, but travel in separate vehicles so my roommate could stay with them if I wanted to leave. The group met at a restuarant/bar that was on the beach down the road in nearby Cocoa Beach. I was a bit intimidated by the blaring music and rowdy people that were in the bar area when we first arrived. The group of 7 people assembled and agreed to grab dinner in the restaurant, which was a lot less loud than the outdoor tiki bar. Unfortunately, it was still rather noisy, and there really wasn't much socializing between the group. A lot of people kept gazing off at the games that were on the flatscreen TVs and at their cellphones. There were some random spurts of dialogue that I had trouble hearing, but that's about it. The whole experience was very awkward and I was glad when it was over. The waitress even commented that we were an unusually quiet group. I guess that's how it sometimes is when you put a bunch of people from all over the country with different backgrounds and interests together. After dinner, the group split up. 3 left together since they were roommates, and 3 others stayed including my roommate. They decided to hang out at the bar, but I left since it was a bit too loud for me to be comfortable. The experience wasn't too pleasant, and I don't think that I met any potential new friends last night. Oh well.
The reason I'm really down here for begins tomorrow. We have to get up at 4:30 AM (yuck!) so we can be at the badging station by 6 AM to get fingerprinted and receive our badges. You have to have badges in order to get on the NASA and Cape Canaveral Air Force station facilities. After badging, we get to go on a tour of the Kennedy Space Complex, which sounds cool. The buses leave at 7 AM so we need to be badged and ready to go by then. The second day is a more formal day of orientation, and work begins on the third day. Although still a little vague, I think the primary objective of my job is to sort of continue working toward my Master's thesis. I'm a bit anxious about the work part, but not nearly as much as I was about the living part. So far so good. We'll see how the next week goes.
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wxmanmitch- Mitch McCue
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